By Joanna Herrera, PsyD, RPsy (Clinical Psychologist and Executive Director of Circle of Hope Community Services, Inc.)
Valentine month is here. We commonly think of loving as an outward direction, as something that we give to others. But love can very much, and in fact, simultaneously needs to be an inward flow. Loving oneself is the foundation for loving others. The Valentine season brings the perfect opportunity for us to consider the state of our love affair with the one person we often neglect—ourselves. How do we love ourselves? Genuine love involves intentional practice that nurtures the growth and wellbeing of the other. It means being radically accepting, honest and kind, affirming what is good, and being patient with learning edges. To what extent have we extended this quality of attention to ourselves? Let Valentine’s be a time to celebrate and act on self-love. Self-love is not selfish, but instead, gives us energy to open and give of ourselves more fully to others.
A very powerful practice of self-love is that of learning to look upon our imperfections with more kindness. In his book A Path With Heart, highly-regarded spiritual teacher and clinical psychologist, Jack Kornfield, says: “Liberation arises when we are ‘without anxiety about non-perfection.’ The world is not supposed to be perfect according to our ideas. Enlightenment…will never come to us when we seek perfection. It arises when we are able to see ourselves and the world with honesty and compassion.”
Searching for perfection, whether it’s in ourselves or other people, can lead to unnecessary frustration because reality by nature is changing phenomena. We might want to hold on to a perfect moment in our life or a perfect image of ourselves. However, change will surely come in the next moment. Kornfield encourages us not to aim for perfection but instead to practice our way to freedom of heart. The mindfulness-based meditation practice below is meant to help you grow into a healthy acceptance of imperfection and a more loving relationship with ourselves. I invite you to try this practice as a Valentine gift to YOURSELF and observe how it organically ripples out and gives to people around you.
Loving Your Imperfect Self- A Meditation Practice
You may gently close your eyes or lower your gaze, sitting erect but comfortably.
Sit quietly, feeling the rhythm of your breathing…
Letting each inhale fill your lungs with warm energy, and letting each exhale create spaciousness around the physical area of your heart
Allowing yourself to become calm and receptive…
Call into mind a part of yourself, something about yourself, which often brings up self-criticism or self-blame. Maybe it’s when you’re quick to anger, or when you feel you’re not skilled enough on a particular aspect of your work, or perhaps an excessive fear of disapproval from others…whatever it is, allow yourself to stand face-to-face with that imperfect part of yourself. As you look at it, notice how it affects your body, heart, and mind.
Allow yourself to see this imperfect self for what it is, suspending the harsh judgment that you usually direct at it, and instead simply being curious. Not pushing imperfection away and not clinging to it. Letting imperfection be part of your reality, allowing it to simply be part of your human existence, just the way a beautiful tree might have knots and kinks on its trunk. We don’t judge the tree as imperfect, instead we see its natural beauty for all that it has weathered through the years.
Now directing lovingkindness towards your imperfection, towards your imperfect self, reciting these phrases inwardly (perhaps while putting your right hand on your heart if it feels right):
May you be filled with lovingkindness
May you be well
May you be peaceful and at ease
May you be happy
May I be filled with lovingkindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
Notice how your body, heart, and mind feel as you replace harsh self-critical thoughts with these thoughts of lovingkindness. If it feels right, you may also invite the presence of a loving Being gazing at your whole self, beholding you as beloved and beautiful, just as you are now. Letting these feelings permeate your body and mind, filling you with lovingkindness and peace. When you feel ready, opening your eyes and coming back to this present moment.